*Just finished writing whats been on my mind today*

I haven't written in forever. Geez 6 months almost. It's been a very busy past few months. I've been working a bunch of jobs at one point, 3 at once and smashed with stuff. But now its summer, I'm down to 2 jobs and happy with that. oh and I LOVE SUMMER.
Saw my roommates 2 weeks ago at sarah's wedding. That was fun. I can't believe Sarah is married. I feel like I should be getting married or something. 24 that is getting to marriage age I guess.
I've been seeing this guy David for a few weeks now but I'm sensing issues already. We've been friends for over a year now so I was hoping i might avoid my normal dating scenario. But it seems to be occuring. I'm trying not to give up too soon. Hah. I need to find me a nice black man. Maybe that would go better.
I've been a youth director for a year. Everyone is telling me I'm doing a great job. How do you know if you're doing a great job? I guess if the youth come and enjoy themselves, that's a good start. Hopefully they are growing as well. I look forward to spending more time at Rocky River, starting some new ministries and such this year. sweet deal. Maybe I can be full time next year. that would be awesome.
I love my new place. I love the pool. I love rafting (next week) and mission trips with youth. I love cornhole, summer heat, sun and tans.
oh I'm getting a tattoo in a couple weeks. well i'm at work. I must write more later...

I miss my inmates. Today I got home after not seeing Laura since Friday. I've been at a conference with other youth ministers at Montreat, a presbyterian conference center in the nc mountains. It's a beautiful, wonderful place. And an awesome conference, rejuvenating time. Anyways, but I miss the inmates because if I hadn't seen them in many days, especially after being at a youth ministry conference, they would come home and immediately want to know how everything went. In fact, Abby called me this evening to ask about it. But when Laura came home today with food and I sat at the kitchen table. I expected her to join me so we can catch up. Instead, she went in the living room and flipped on the tv. I love Laura but that kinda pissed me off. This conference was a big deal to me and I was excited for it. Plus I hadn't seen her in days and wondered what was happening with her, but nothing. Well at least yet.
Abby, Sarah, Ang, I love ya and miss ya!! Best roommates ever :)

For the most part, I would call myself a confident person. But there are certain aspects of my life that are a constant struggle for me. That’s why I wonder what my life would be like if I faced up to all of my fears and insecurities. What if I met them head on with confidence knowing the consequence might not be beneficial to me? How would my life be different? Would that make me a stronger person? Rejection always hurts but isn’t knowing better than not ever making the effort?

My life is mostly crazy currently. Both of my jobs are keeping me busy, and both are pretty challenging. At citizen schools, the kids are tough, but I think I'm starting to get through to some and build good relationships with my students. I'm hoping in the next months I can help with academics and motivation more. But my kids are tough, I'm in a rough area of Charlotte.
Youth group is good. We are breaking the social barriers, or at least beginning the process. There are challenges, like lack of communication in my church, but overall its good. We have tremendous opportunity for growth in the future and I would love ot be a part of it.
I switch daily on whether i would like to do education or youth ministry full time as a career, so I'll just do both until then!
On a personal level, I'm mostly happy. Been hhanging out with the Stonebridge crew some more and I really enjoy them. I have some complexities in some of my relationships right now and only time will tell how I'll handle it and what is the best route.
In the coming weeks, it's packed! This weekend Abby will be here Sat & Sunday before she heads to high point, nc for work. The next weekend is switchfoot/relient k concert Friday night. The following weekend is trip to asheville with Laura? or at least I hope so. My dad is coming this way for thanksgiving and before i know it, it will be Christmas, Erin's wedding & New years!!!!

I have a life issue. His name is Erik. Erik and I have known each other for many years. We have dated on and off (slash random makeout sessions) for most of those many years. He really is a great guy and we get along so well. He's one of those rare people in my life that understands and gets me. Nothing will change that. He's had some life issues, involving alcohol mostly that he's trying to work out. And then there's the fact that he's in Ohio still. In simple terms, when he graduates, he should move down here. Hah. If only life were that simple

In other news, I love both of my jobs so much. So far my 6th graders at Eastway are great. I think it will be an awesome year! Youth stuff is going well as well. Carowinds trip Saturday. I've been pretty exhausted lately, but I'm hoping this half sickness I have will pass. I'll get in the routine with my jobs and hopefully everything will be golden.

Today is my last day at Habitat Cabarrus. And the majority of the people here don't even realize it. This place is awesome (note the sarcasm) So glad to be done.

It's official. My last day at Habitat Cabarrus is September 14th. I'll be working half days until then, with Citizen Schools training in the afternoon. I'm excited for this new job, where I won't be bored, back into teaching, using my $120,000 degree from the prestigious ONU. hah. I am forfeiting my education award for this job, which is kinda rough, but I'll get over it. I don't make mad cash or anything either, but being broke doesn't bother me that much. I like to think I'm pretty thrifty with my finances. I'm not in limbo anymore! I have a real job!

Last night I had a cookout/campout with my youth. It was a good time, and I'm way exhausted. But my love of Rocky River Presbyterian Church continues to grow. The reason I love it so much is because the people are authentic. We may not have a razzle dazzle worship service or be growing at a rapid pace, but the people are warm and welcoming. I love my pastor, Kyle, and Julie, the parish associate for christian education. They are so easy to talk to, supportive and did I mention funny?? I definitely feel at home at Rocky River and look forward to a long term commitment with them.

I'm also all moved into the 1308 on Summerlake Drive. I absolutely love living with Laura. I'm actually starting to think it may be a little weird that we don't get sick of each other considering we spend a heck of alot of time together. Ahh whatever, love it! I love our pool as well! Life is good as always! Much love

I got the job! Wahoo!! And I start training next week (late notice, what) Goodbye crappy Habitat Cabarrus. Hopefully I'll get a prorated Education Award, that would be amazing. Please....

Sometimes you know exactly what you want, but you can't have it.

I find it hard to believe it’s been two years. The memories are so vivid from that first week in August in 2005. They have been creeping back into my mind for a week now and I know that this week it will be hard to escape them. I have a bunch of things happening this week like job interviews, beach trips, normal habitat insanity and moving to help distract me, but there’s only so much that can do.
The truth is that this week hurts. I can’t avoid or run away from those memories. I can’t hide from the pain. It’s still here, seeping through the cracks. I remember the initial phone call, the drive home, the meeting at my dads’ house and of course, the anguish, the despair and the misery. It’s etched into my memory. For the first few days, when I finally managed to grab a few hours of sleep (usually alcohol induced), I would wake up and hope that it was all a dream. It would take about ten minutes and then I’d realize it wasn’t a nightmare, it was real and the tears welled up. Brian was gone. Alexander would never know his father. Brian was the best thing that ever happened to the lost soul that is my sister. But he was never coming home.
This week signifies two years have passed. For me, much of my life has changed. I’m not the person I was two years ago. I’ve moved on, graduated, pressed on and changed my surroundings. I am happy, even confident about where I am and where I am going. In spite of this, almost every day I think of Brian and his lighthearted character, thinking how life could be so different for my family if he was still with us. But he’s not and we miss him.